Ah men. Complex creatures indeed. I am one, and I work exclusively with them. I am also part of men's groups, have close male friendships, and work professionally with men navigating sexual anxiety and performance pressure.
I am now a qualified Men's Sex Coach, but my path into this work came from my own experience of sexual anxiety and avoidance of intimacy, despite a deep desire for connection. For a long time, I believed I was alone in this. I carried it privately, shaped by shame and the fear of judgement.
It wasn't until things became difficult enough that I was forced to confront it directly that I began to understand something important: sexual anxiety is not rare, and it is not fixed. With support, self-awareness, and sustained inner work, it can be significantly reduced, and the shame around it can be unlearned.
That process changed my life! It also led me to dedicate my work to helping other men navigate the same experience.
Research suggests that a significant proportion of men will experience performance-related anxiety at some point in their lives. In practice, across my work with clients, it appears to be even more common than most men realise. It remains largely unspoken, which often allows shame to fill the gap where honest conversation should be.
Men and Sexual Performance Pressure
So why write about Sex Toys on a sexual wellness brand website?
Because I see Sex Toys not as novelty items, but as tools that can support men in developing awareness of their bodies, their arousal patterns, and their relationship to pleasure.
Modern men are under increasing pressure across multiple domains of life: work, physical fitness, social identity, dating, and sexuality. The bedroom often becomes another space where 'performance' feels expected rather than connection being experienced.
Modern dating can amplify this pressure. There is the need to present well on apps, maintain engaging communication, secure a date, and then 'perform' sexually once intimacy is reached. This layered pressure can naturally contribute to anxiety and self-monitoring during sex.
Common concerns that arise in this context include:
'Am I big enough?'
'Will I last long enough?'
'Does she find me attractive enough?'
These thoughts are not unusual. They reflect how closely sexual confidence is often tied to self-worth rather than experience itself.
From a physiological perspective, anxiety activates the sympathetic nervous system, which can interfere with arousal regulation and awareness. This is one reason why sexual performance anxiety often becomes a self-reinforcing cycle.
One of the easiest ways to take the pressure off is to step away from penetration altogether. A lot of guys find that focusing on grinding and non-penetrative play can feel incredibly good while removing the stress of “performing.” Here’s a short reel with some practical tips:
Remember: there’s no “right” way to have sex. The goal is mutual pleasure and connection, not performance. Talk to your partner about what feels good for both of you.
Sex Toys as a Tool for Self-Awareness
Sex toys are often associated with partnered play or enhancement, but they can also be used as tools for self-exploration, particularly in relation to arousal awareness and control.
One useful concept in this work is the arousal scale. If we imagine arousal on a scale from 1 to 10, where 1 is no arousal and 10 is ejaculation, many men benefit from learning to recognise what their body feels like at different points along that scale.
This kind of awareness is not about control in a rigid sense, but about recognition:
noticing early signs of heightened arousal
understanding what shifts sensation upward
learning when to slow down or pause
This builds interoceptive awareness (the ability to sense internal bodily states), which can be helpful in reducing reactive patterns during intimacy.
What I recommend: the new Sam Neo 2 Pro (Suction & Vibration masturbator) — this is a top of the range product and can be used to experiment with the arousal scale.
Some men find that using a sex toy during self-pleasure, rather than relying on habitual or fast-paced stimulation, can support this process. The addition of lubrication and more realistic sensation can also help create conditions that are closer to partnered sex, where pacing and variation are more relevant.
What I recommend: the Alex Neo 2 (interactive thrusting masturbator) is a brilliant alternative experience to partnered sex and can synced to videos or be controlled remotely/long distance.
A key shift here is moving from mindless masturbation toward intentional self-pleasure:
slowing down the pace
reducing performance-based goals
paying attention to breath and bodily sensation
reducing visual stimulation to increase bodily awareness
This is not about 'doing it right' but about learning what your body does under different conditions.
Vibrations, Sensation, and Male Pleasure
There is still a cultural assumption that vibration-based stimulation is primarily associated with women's pleasure. In reality, male sexual response is also highly responsive to vibration, rhythm, temperature, and pressure variation.
When used intentionally, sex toys can offer a structured way to explore different types of stimulation and how they influence arousal states.
What I recommend: For vibration based stimulation I recommend the Robin (vibrating stroking masturbator) — this is a fantastic discreet product with 5 vibration modes and a boost feature.
For some men, devices that offer rhythmic or pulsating stimulation can help highlight how quickly arousal can rise under certain conditions. For others, thrusting-based devices may feel more similar to partnered sex and can be useful for exploring pacing and rhythm.
Heating elements, textured internal designs, and varying intensity modes may also contribute to a more embodied sensory experience, helping reduce reliance on imagination alone and increasing focus on physical sensation.
Some modern devices also include interactive or app-connected features, which can support partner involvement or long-distance intimacy. While these features are often discussed in terms of novelty, they can also be used to explore communication and shared erotic experience in a more playful, less performance-driven way.
The key value is not the technology itself, but how attention is directed during use: towards sensation, awareness, and response rather than outcome.
What I recommend: For interactive or app based benefits I recommend the Hannes Neo (interactive throbbing masturbator) — a great product for connectivity with video sync, remote control, 5 throbbing modes and internal heating to replicate body heat.
From Performance to Connection
When men begin to shift focus away from performance and toward awareness, a number of changes often occur, like reduced pressure during intimacy, an improved ability to stay present, increased confidence through familiarity with bodily responses and less fear around arousal fluctuations.
Sexual confidence is not built by eliminating anxiety entirely, but by developing a different relationship with it.
Sex toys, when used intentionally, can form part of this process. Not as a solution, and not as a replacement for intimacy, but as a tool for exploration and learning.
Over time, this can support a more grounded relationship with sexuality. One based less on outcome and more on connection.
There is no shame in self-pleasure, and there is no shame in using tools designed to support sexual wellbeing. What matters most is intention!
When approached consciously, sex toys can support men in developing a more aware, present, and embodied relationship with their sexuality. This can carry into partnered experiences, not by improving 'performance' but by deepening connection, communication, and self-understanding.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Alex Gear
Certified Men's Sex Coach · Sexual Wellness Educator
Performance AnxietyMen's Sexual HealthIntimacy Coaching
Alex Gear is a certified Men's Sex Coach specializing in sexual performance anxiety, intimacy confidence, and men's sexual wellbeing. Drawing on both professional training and lived experience, he helps men reduce shame, build body awareness, regulate arousal, and develop healthier, more connected intimate relationships. His evidence-informed approach combines sexual education, mindfulness, and practical coaching to help men move beyond performance and enjoy more fulfilling intimacy.
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