Are You in a Situationship? 3 Signs You’re Not Just Friends… But Not Exactly Dating
by Giulia M.
You’ve been going out with this guy. But not really. You’ve been dating. But not exactly. You’ve been together for a while… But not in that way. So yeah, welcome to the not-so-great realm of situationships.
So, What Are We?
We can define a situationship as that awkward space between being a couple and being just FWB. No one likes that. Yes, it’s confusing. It’s distressing. But it’s also definitely someplace you can learn to avoid. The trap is simple: there is chemistry, intimacy, even emotional attachment. Yet, no clear labels whatsoever.
Why do situationships even happen? Even if the term is relatively recent, situationships certainly aren’t a new thing. The dynamic itself is probably as old as romantic relationships are. However, there have been changes in how we approach dating over the past decades that might have contributed to the spread of situationships. Just think of dating apps: the perfect occasion for serial avoidants to scroll through endless profiles, chat with half of them, go out with a bunch, and keep all of them on hold. Mind that we’re not saying dating apps are bad, but you do need to learn how to discern the right people, or else they can be extremely draining.
Situationship, FWB, or Casual Dating?
Let’s clarify some basic terminology. While friends with benefits is the kind of relationship that is pretty well defined, situationships aren’t. If you have a FWB, it means you’ve talked about it: there are no feelings involved, it’s just sex. Both of you are happy with the relationship, and neither of you would like it to become something more.
Casual dating, on the other hand, might involve some emotional attachment, but no real commitment to anyone in particular. If you date multiple people at the same time, but no one really seems like a good fit to jump to the next level, then you’re officially in the casual dating realm.
Situationships are a different animal. Usually, they arise from different wishes and perspectives between the two sides involved. There is some kind of romance, and there could even be a blurry vision of a possible future together. But without any commitment, or maybe with a “today I’m texting you all day long, tomorrow I disappear” kind of energy. Yup, it can get toxic.
3 Signs It’s Giving Situationship
Often, the hardest part about being in a situationship is admitting it. You might feel like the vibe is off, but you are still trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. Waiting for something to change might be the safest approach, but often it isn’t the most efficient. Here’s what you can do instead.
If you’re acting like a couple, but have no label yet
A guy with clear intentions has no fear showing them. If he’s treating you like his girlfriend, but always avoiding “the talk” or even joking about it, then it’s a clear sign you should take the lead. Asking for clarity after a month might be too soon. But if you’ve been dating consistently for a couple of months, or more, then you’re not asking for a lot. You’re asking for what you deserve. And that is clarity. You can say something like:
“Hey, I know this is kind of an awkward topic, but I need to understand where this is going. Sometimes it feels like you want this to become something more, and other times it feels like you’re happy keeping it casual. Your time matters, and so does mine. So, I’d like to know where your head is at.”
If all plans are last minute and he comes and goes
Stop justifying his lack of planning, his unreliability, and his hot and cold attitude. This isn’t what anyone deserves in a healthy relationship. A guy who wants you to feel courted will make plans ahead of time. He will openly suggest options, and he will keep it fun and varied. If the only plan is meeting after dinner and having sex, this should be the biggest wake-up call. Someone who’s truly interested in you has more than sex on their mind. Here’s what you can say to clear out the fog:
“Not that I don’t like hanging out casually sometimes, but lately I feel like you only reach out last-minute, when you want company. And honestly, I’m looking for something more than just a casual thing. It doesn’t have to become serious overnight, but I need to know if that’s even a possibility for you. Do you feel like we’re aligned, or not?”
If he’s keeping you secret, and using confusing language
This is the most frustrating one, and once you notice, it’s hard to let it go. Good news: you shouldn’t. Not all guys like to introduce you to their circle of influence before you’re official, but if he seems scared to be seen in public with you, it’s a clear red flag. Also, if whenever he talks about the future, it seems neither you nor a possible partner is involved, you might be facing the worst kind of avoidant. They might not be bad guys, but it might be healthy for you to be as honest as possible:
“Listen, I need to be honest with you. I know we haven’t dated for that long, but I feel like, for some reason, you’re trying to keep this private. And when you talk about the future, it sounds like you only picture yourself, almost like there isn’t space for someone else at all. I need to understand how you actually see this. It would really help.”
How to Walk Away Without Drama
Once you’ve accepted that the other person might not be ready for more than a situationship, you have to be truly strong and let it go. The background thought of “maybe he will change” will keep haunting you. But you know the truth is far from that. You are not a fit. And you deserve better.
A summer situationship might seem tempting, but it always leads to the gloomiest kind of autumn. If it helps, call your friends, talk to them about your intentions, and plan a girls’ night right after the “breakup.” If you have dated for a few months, it’s normal to feel sad, frustrated, even angry. Face all emotions as they are. It is okay to feel that way.
How can you end a situationship? Say something like this:
“These months have been nice, but I feel like we want different things. So, I’ve decided to step back, because I need a different kind of dynamic.”
“You’re a good person, but I feel like we’re in different places right now, and we clearly want different things. That’s okay, but I need to step away and find something that actually matches what I’m looking for.”
“I know I said I wasn’t looking for a relationship at first, but I’ve realized that’s actually the kind of dynamic that would make me happy. I know you’re not looking for the same thing, and that’s okay. But I’m going to take a step back, because I need to see a future in whatever connection I choose to keep in my life.”
They might try to convince you to stay, or they might simply accept it and act indifferent. Both reactions will hurt. But you need to be strong. Besides, the reality is you don’t need a situationship to be complete. You don’t even need a guy to spend a sexy night. He might have used the fanciest kind of app-controlled SVAKOM vibrator we have, but if he cannot answer a simple “What are we?” question, then he has to go.
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